Monthly Archives: July 2011
Hi there, so glad you’re here…on to my memoirs. I was alone, unemployed and going through a second puberty by way of transition and my ridiculous hormonal spikes and dips. Which led me to on-line dating. Now, as a trans-woman this is your safest bet to find someone. The internet grants a level of security that real-life encounters can’t. So…being a young and pretty trans-girl; silly, desiring attention and not knowing any better, I posted my pics on a dating website for trans-people. And of course, they were sexy. Not nudies by any means! But as I recall, in one picture (that my grandmother took) I was sprawled out across my bed wearing black vinyl pants with a red tube top and I thought I was just the bee’s knees. And men, visual creatures that they are with hardly any regard to what constitutes good/bad fashion, responded in kind. Before I knew it my date book was full and I was going out every other night with a new guy getting free meals and loads of attention. It was delightful. I was young, I was carefree and it was a way for me to distract myself. I wasn’t happy though. A lot of the men you meet who are interested in trans-women want us for one thing and one thing only, as is the case with biological women. Now, there are many men out there who are wonderful people intent on developing relationships that are full and all-encompassing, but there are twice as many who want you to act as their side-dish, dirty little secret, sugar baby or some lurid combination of all three. It’s embarrassing! No one wants to be treated like a freak, not worthy of simple little things most people take for granted in relationships, like meeting one another’s families. Mind you, I’m a very passable and very attractive transsexual woman (so I’ve been told anyway), but it still makes no difference, you can look like Megan Fox and still be treated as though you’re “less than” just because of what you are.
So when I finally met a man who was willing to put all that aside and just focus on me as a person, I jumped on him, but he was gay (despite his assurances that he was bisexual) and also immensely confused about pretty much every facet of his life, so it didn’t work out. After that, I began dating again…which is really just like picking through the garbage, isn’t it? I dated a cage fighter, a naval officer, a cop, all sorts of stereotypically macho guys, all good looking, all nice enough…but all for whatever reason eventually cut off. In the case of the cage fighter, he wanted a f*ck buddy which he could talk to whenever the need arose, in the case of the naval officer…well, he just couldn’t kiss…plus he was an alcoholic and he broke my car’s air conditioner vents by playing with them too much, and in the case of the cop he wanted a penis attached to a pretty woman. Which is what a lot of “admirers” want. It dehumanizes us and reduces us to a single body part. Seriously, if you want to suck on something that bad, buy yourself a lollipop. So, after much searching I gave up. And when I wasn’t looking, someone wrote me out of the blue requesting we meet up for coffee because I seemed cool from what he read on my MySpace profile (I know, I’m old right?!) and after that we met up. He hadn’t known I was trans and as it turned out that’s exactly what he was into. So a friendship formed, which later blossomed into a relationship and here I am four years later still with the same guy. We have our ups and downs like any couple…but above all he sees me as an individual, not a commodity and if you admirers out there reading this ever want to make it with a transsexual of any substance, then that’s really what it all boils down to.
Well. I have been remiss in keeping up with this blog YET. AGAIN. Go ahead, turn away from the screen. I am without excuse as usual. But srsly, this time I do kind of have a good excuse…or several excuses as the case may be. I’ve been working non-stop (extended hours to cover vacations), getting ready for my exciting return to school in the fall and coming this close to rabbit-kicking my financial aid advisor in the face because YES…SHE REALLY IS THAT FRUSTRATINGLY STUPID, I hit some old lady with my Suzuki (her car, not her person…just for clarity’s sake), and re-connected with my two long-lost cousins all while searching frantically for a new job which will be more flexible and mesh better with my school schedule. Crazy right? I know!
So I haven’t really had much of a chance to write about myself (which is odd, since that’s usually one of my most favorite things to do…I’m just joking ((but I’m not)) ). Anyway, amidst all this commotion, I must tell you my computer, which is quite old, and which can be likened to a senile, old fat person is STROKING OUT something FIERCE!! I can’t STAND it. I have to save up for a new computer…preferably something with a built-in camera or microphone so that I can do vlogs or podcasts or something to mix things up a bit and connect on a somewhat more intimate level with my readers. But what with my hitting-an-old-lady-with-my-sedan-incident, I might have to wait awhile before making such a purchase…so BEAR WITH ME, PUBLIC!!! I must tell you…being involved in a traffic accident (my first, mind you) brought on so many emotions and recollections. I luckily live in a state where I was able to get the gender on my license changed without having had any surgical procedures, but I remember the time before…when I bore the name and picture of a female on that license and had that “M” right beside it like a scarlet letter. Having to be petrified of being pulled over or daring to buy a drink because I might get carded were constant strains on my nerves, ever-present and ever-frightening. I was able to face this incident with a calmness which had eluded me back then, and it was comforting to know I’d jumped over that hurdle, but it also made me angry at how that hurdle was placed before me by DOUCHEBAGS who have nothing to do with my situation and probably have a very limited understanding of said situation. Sometimes I wish we, as transgendered brothers and sisters could just rise up against the “normals” and crush them beneath the raging tide of our combined anger. But then I realize that would probably just make them hate us more and get many of us killed or hurt…plus violence never solves anything (but conflict, ha). Either way! To my brothers and sisters out there facing that license issue, know you aren’t alone…we’ve all been there before. If you’re able to change it, do it FAST. If you’re too scared to go to the DMV and explain your situation (like I was), just swallow hard, ask a friend to come with you and muster up enough MOXIE to do it and get it over with. It really is worth it, don’t procrastinate. I know it sucks that we have to do this at all and lord knows it makes you want to slap a bitch, but sadly, this is the way things are now. Better than they were, but still worse than they could be.
I also wanted to briefly mention in this entry (and I want to do more with this later, so beware), one of my new-found favorite trans-related films. Iron Ladies and its sequel Iron Ladies 2. Wow, what can I say? It was a lovely experience. They’re both older films, and full of enough politically incorrect terms to upset the extreme Western LGBT activists, I’m sure. But honestly, it’s a fluff film and for what it is, it’s wonderful. It basically tells the story of a Thai all-male volleyball team comprised of flamboyantly gay men, cross-dressers, and a transsexual cabaret star. If you get a chance, check it out…I’m glad I did.
Well, dears…I guess it’s time for me to let you all go. But never fear, I’ll be back sooner than you think with a new entry in the fascinating novella (after-school special/infomercial?) that is my life.