Monthly Archives: August 2011
So, I know it’s been a long time…been getting ready for school, trying to figure out how to balance my work schedule with my education but it just didn’t work out so I had to quit 😦 Too bad, it was a pretty decent job as far as pay and benefits go, but to be honest…I feel like there was a lot of resentment there, too. From the second I came in, I knew things would be a challenge. My name-tag had been hidden from me and people were starting to say all sorts of things. There was a male colleague who, from what I was told, found me attractive. That’s nothing out of the ordinary as most males do (not trying to sound snobby or pretentious, it just is what it is). He was friends with this older woman who considered herself VERY fashionable and who frequented drag-shows often, so she fancied herself an expert on all things drag (and of course, being the “genius” she was she lumped trans-people in with drag queens). I was never anything more than friendly with this fellow, as I was to everyone at work, because I already have a boyfriend I care about dearly and just never even considered any other possibility, but this cougar felt intimidated. I knew it, my friend at work knew it…and so she used her “insider knowledge” to pull a Nancy Drew and deduce I was trans. A fact she spread around to everyone. To that I have one thing to say. What the f*ck is wrong with you?! Do you really feel so insecure at your advanced age, that you have to try and make an already insecure person (because let’s face it, as transsexuals, we’re all typically very insecure people) feel even worse about herself. After her antics, I felt as though I was being scrutinized by everyone, but especially the males in the workplace. This made me self-conscious and severely depressed. That’s why I’m kinda glad I’m out of there. I never confronted this woman about what I knew she did. But that’s just what she wanted I’m sure…it would prove all her allegations to be true, validating her little rumor and at the same time it would make me lose my composure and appear just as freakish and out-of-control as she would have our co-workers believe I was. So I’m glad I didn’t.
Now that I’m out of that situation, you might think, well it’s sure to get better. To which I say, it surely won’t! Not to be pessimistic, but as I’ve grown older, I’ve grown beyond the blind optimism of my tween years. There are always going to be dipshits out there like this pruny-faced cougar b*tch. Life never gets simpler, you just get tougher. You just have to roll with the punches and, above all, remain COOL and appear confident! I wanted to punch the ugly off her mug so many times you would not believe, but our strength as transsexuals is our ability to endure and persevere. So, my sisters…if you’re being persecuted, or made fun of, or vexed, or tortured, just be calm and carry on, as the British say. I envisioned myself to be a beautiful, ice-cold river…frozen in place, immovable, graceful, majestic. A true lady. I’m so tired of hearing the term “real woman,” and it’s usually something whispered because most of the people who refer to us as “fake women” have neither the guts nor the courtesy to overtly confront us with their stupidity. A real woman is someone who chases their dreams, who sees what’s wrong with a situation and does something to remedy it, a real woman has decency and tact and is so much more than a body part or the ability to shoot out a kid. A real woman doesn’t need to lash out at a perfect stranger because she is intimidated by her. A real woman has class and integrity and in all those respects, I am a real woman and so are many of my trans-contemporaries. I find it comical how these alleged supporters of our community are sometimes the very same people who want to see you as an individual trans-woman fall to the floor so they can raise a leg over you. It’s like, “you can be a woman…so long as you’re not prettier or better-dressed or more desirable than me…you must remain obviously male-looking and freakish so that I know I’m still above you and if you aren’t those things, well rest assured I’ll find something about you that is still male and harp on it so that others know you’re a shim-sham! Wahahaha!” In my case, I look feminine, I tend to dress nicely (sometimes a bit gaudy, but whatever) and many people think I’m an attractive girl. My voice however, is my one weak point. There’s not too much you can do about your voice but exercise it. Singing high notes, visualizing it going above a pencil or some other object you hold horizontally next to your lips. Not smoking. But all those things can’t undo the damage male puberty does to a young transwoman’s vocal chords. It’s just there and you have to deal with it. So, now as I start school again the one thing I fear and dread more than anything is the public speaking, esp. the introductions. I always feel awkward doing that because I feel like everyone can tell, and I’ve realized now that some people will be able to. And that’s alright. Because even though we have deep voices or some other traits that may identify us as transsexuals…we are women, we are ladies, we are REAL. Our struggle is real and so are we and that’s something no amount of slander or hate can take away. Something to leave you all with, until next time (I promise I’ll blog more and now I can since I have no job, ha!) stealth and passing isn’t nearly as important as being comfortable with yourself. At the end of the day, when the clothes and makeup are off…you need to be able to look in that mirror and like what you see. So don’t focus on your short-comings (or what you view as short-comings) view the positive, love yourself, love your struggle, for it made you who you are, and screw the dipshits…they’re not even worth the effort. Pass for yourself, not for others! 🙂