It’s what I am, for it’s what I’ve proven myself…to be
Groomed myself…to ‘she’
Longing for that proclamation of justification
The feather kisses of a man who’ll never stray too far away
So I prune my legs like twin bonsais
Color and contour, pad and tuck, pull and strut
Swallow down these tiny purple pills
That grant new life, even as…they threaten death.
It is what we are
Neither hunters nor gatherers…but carriers
Of life, of secrets, of tiny miseries and shallow disasters
Of benedictions and curses, of light and of shadow
Of your story and mine
Woman, twice born
Sorry I haven’t had a chance to update in a while, I’ve been super-busy with work and various other mundane activities that are hardly as fulfilling as this blog, so for that I must apologize. Now, where was I?
Oh yes…it was December of such and such year and I was working at a well-known department store as a cosmetics “expert.” Anyway, there was this bulldog of a lesbian (closeted, of course, and therefore quite nasty), who decided she hated me because I didn’t want to associate with her. There were two reasons for me not wanting to associate with her, 1) She was positively the crudest thing on two feet at that mall and 2) she always talked absolute garbage about my best friend at work. “Unacceptable!” I declared and henceforth never spoke to her except for the occasional “Hello.” Now, this pushed her to the limit and I also think the fact that I was by now very free and open about what I was doing (transitioning and all) kind of miffed her too, because she was adamant in her claims of being straight, though really it was quite obvious that she was anything but. My openness bothered her, as it bothers most people who are not open for whatever reason. Our openness is like a bright, shining, neon light that we’re flashing into their dim, dank, dingy closets. So…she hated me. And the feeling was reciprocated. One day, things boiled over when she tried rudely telling me what to do (she’d recently gotten promoted to a customer service rep, but that gave her no authority over me) when we were closing down the store and I told her I wasn’t intimidated by her or the little walkie-talkie she was issued, to which she replied that I walk around like a princess and should choke on my own dick. When she wasn’t promptly fired, I decided any business that retains employees who are capable of such low thinking don’t deserve to have me pushing $30 eyeliners and mascaras for them, so I walked out during my next scheduled shift. They tried in vain to get me back, but I’ve always been a woman of strong principles, and when something leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I refuse to just choke it down like most people.
Here I was, a new year beginning, a new me beginning and no job prospects in sight. In a way, though, looking back it was the best thing that could have happened at the time. Transitioning while on the job is very difficult and to be without the hassle of having to explain your motives to other people every five minutes or deal with constant harassment and strange looks is a blessing. The downside of unemployment though is boredom. And I was bored! So what did I do? I used the internet to fill my boredom. At first it was great, sleeping in, and wasting time, reading, writing, shopping; well, window shopping (as you might expect, since I abandoned my job I wasn’t privy to receiving unemployment benefits). Eventually though, it wasn’t enough. I was lonely since all my friends had jobs or school to keep them occupied and for most of the day I had the company of my cats and dog and that was it. My parents were a great emotional and financial support even giving me money for my hormones which I purchased via website (which is not recommended at all until you’ve seen a doctor and had all your levels checked, but back then I didn’t have that luxury). Still, I longed for fulfillment on a different level and that led me to on-line dating, which is arguably, the best way for transsexual women to meet men and the safest. However, the kind of men are open to interpretation as you’ll see in my next entry…