Why, indeed? First, let me preface this entry with a bit of minutiae concerning my motivation for writing this…I was just lolly-gagging about doing nothing when I decided, as I sometimes do, to check my WordPress dashboard. As I scanned the search terms my beloved audience used to find me over this past year or so, I saw that one of those search terms was ‘why date a transsexual?’ Now, I’d done a post when I first started this blog about why gay men don’t date transsexuals, mostly to educate those certain individuals out there who can’t seem to distinguish ‘m-to-f transgender’ from ‘flamboyantly effeminate gay man’ and explain why things are as they are. It must have been that entry which hooked in the querent who’d made that particular search. Either way, seeing that search term ignited something in my brain and I thought, “Hey! Why would you want to date a transsexual?” Especially with all the negative stigmas that exist towards us as a group. Upon careful reflection, though, I’ve found that there are actually a lot of good reasons why you should date a transsexual (or at least be open to the idea). This can certainly apply to many other people out there who are not transgendered or even female, and it might just be a list of sweeping generalities, but it’s my blog…so I don’t care. Without further ado…
1) Depth Of Perception: Trans-people tend to be gifted with amazing perceptive abilities that extend even beyond themselves and onto others. They tend to be able to see through all the muck and see the true, underlying substance of a person. This comes from the experience of having to establish our own identities firmly in spite of what society tells us is otherwise the case. Perceptive people usually make more attentive significant others as they can pick up on subtle cues that other prospective partners may miss.
2) True Appreciation: From my own experiences, I can say as a transwoman I sometimes feel like complete shit about myself. I think that’s the same for a lot of trans-people out there, if not all. In the back of our minds, we can’t really shake that feeling that we’ll never measure up to “the genuine article.” But what is “the genuine article?” What is the measure of a true man or a true woman or a true human being? True…being true to yourself, maybe? In that sense, we are the truest form of human. The most genuine. Still, there lies that inferiority complex which society is mostly to blame for. That being said, when we find love, we tend to really appreciate it because we know it’s such a rarity to find considering our situations.
3) Enduring Affection: Trans-people know how to set goals for themselves. The biggest goal being attaining some form of gender congruency (whether it entails surgical intervention or not). We know how to value the new developments of our transition (whether it’s a name change or your first bra) and using that as an impetus, continue our struggle….always. That kind of philosophy extends to how we treasure our relationships. When something is not the way it should be, we take the necessary steps to remedy the situation. That is the very foundation of our lives. We don’t give up, we endure, no matter what. In today’s society of, “He said such and such, who needs that? I’M DUMPING HIM!!” this can be something of a rarity. That said though, we’re not doormats either, if something’s making us feel less valued as a human being, we won’t settle, if fixing things doesn’t work, we’ll cut our losses and move on.
4) Embracing Of Femininity: This is nothing new. Many men I’ve dated have told me that the reason they favored transsexual women over their cisgendered peers was because many trans-women tend to carry themselves in a more conventionally “feminine” manner. Nowadays, a lot of girls just dress up in sweat pants or pajamas and think they look cute. Really enjoying the privileges society has bestowed upon them as natal females, such as wearing make-up or having long, done-up hair has become a chore for many of them. And I’m not saying that I always look like America’s Next Top Model, because I don’t, but I do always make some effort to display the femininity I haven’t always been so free to express. This shouldn’t come as a surprise, but many men are attracted to femininity. Opposites attract and this is true here. With a trans-woman, you’ve got a partner who embraces and expresses her femininity in ways that many cisgendered women just don’t feel like doing. Not that that’s bad, per se, it’s just…different. ^_^
5) An Open Mind: As transgendered individuals, we have to have open minds. This is just something we need in order to understand the context of our unique situations. With an open mind, we’re more willing to hear what our partners have to say about a plethora of different subjects. We can freely see ourselves in their shoes because not so long ago, we were in their shoes. As trans-women, we know the demands society places on men and I think, because of that, we’re a little more lenient. We understand that there is duality in everything and truly two sides to every story which is helpful in developing an effective rapport and building communication.
6) Personal Test Of Character: It won’t be easy, champ! But, really, what in life is? Society is still at a point in its evolution where many people don’t think it “proper” to date a trans-person. Especially considering all the supposed “cons” (dating us is a reflection of your own masculinity and makes you gay, we can’t have kids, the current state of our bodies, etc, etc.). Still, if you have the courage to just cast it all to the wind and date who you want to date because of who they are and not what they are, you will be happier in the long run and also become more aware of your own amazing strength of character…because it’s not easy risking rejection to follow your heart…but we manage to somehow and so should you! ^_^
So if you’re one of those men out there teetering on the fence about a girl you like who just might happen to be trans, think less about the negatives and contemplate the positives. And most of all, just love who you love…don’t let society tangle you up in its bullshit…it’s never worth it…take it from me!
I’m even willing to reveal my secret identity for all you lovely people reading!! But seriously I noticed one of the things people searched for to get here was “eyeliner how-to for transsexuals.” As a Lancome-trained beauty advisor/make-up artist, I’d be more than happy to demonstrate, but I want to know someone’s gonna be watching, so please let me know!
In other news, as I suspected I was clocked in class. 😦 As we were doing our introductions, some jerk-off started asking the girl next to me, “So do you know? I’ve been trying to figure it out for 48 hours. Man I’m gonna find out! *Chuckle, whisper*” That’s okay though, faithful readers for the following reasons: a) I don’t know for sure if he was talking about me or not (though after all the years of being gossiped about, I tend to be pretty keen about these things and I think he was), and b) For that one schmuck, there were two new people I met who were perfectly kind. And that’s really what life on earth is all about, don’t you think? Trying to find the good stuff, be it people or experiences or aromatherapy candles or whatever…so that you can hang on to it; and letting the bad stuff, and my! there is plenty of it, just letting all that stuff roll off your back like so much caca onto the ground. The prism of a transsexual’s existence is custom-made for detecting the good and bad intrinsic in everyone. Our very nature evokes strong reactions which tend to be very indicative of whether or not this person is something we want to hang on to or something we should just let drop to the gutter. The accepting ones, the kind ones, the ones who see us as people, not as “mysteries to be solved” or jokes or kinky sex interests, they’re the ones you hold on to. And luckily, it’s easier to detect that sort of thing for us because those reactions happen rapidly whenever we meet someone…whereas with many cis people, it takes considerably longer and a significantly greater effort to differentiate the judgmental, self-righteous douches from the sweethearts.
Anyway, my message of the day: be prismatic. Let the love come through you and send rainbows right back! The hate? Just let it pass the f*ck by.
Anyway y’all…this is your space as much as mine, so let me know if you want vlogs because I’ve got a new macbook with a built-in camera and, I’m itchin’ to use it! 😉
Hi there, so glad you’re here…on to my memoirs. I was alone, unemployed and going through a second puberty by way of transition and my ridiculous hormonal spikes and dips. Which led me to on-line dating. Now, as a trans-woman this is your safest bet to find someone. The internet grants a level of security that real-life encounters can’t. So…being a young and pretty trans-girl; silly, desiring attention and not knowing any better, I posted my pics on a dating website for trans-people. And of course, they were sexy. Not nudies by any means! But as I recall, in one picture (that my grandmother took) I was sprawled out across my bed wearing black vinyl pants with a red tube top and I thought I was just the bee’s knees. And men, visual creatures that they are with hardly any regard to what constitutes good/bad fashion, responded in kind. Before I knew it my date book was full and I was going out every other night with a new guy getting free meals and loads of attention. It was delightful. I was young, I was carefree and it was a way for me to distract myself. I wasn’t happy though. A lot of the men you meet who are interested in trans-women want us for one thing and one thing only, as is the case with biological women. Now, there are many men out there who are wonderful people intent on developing relationships that are full and all-encompassing, but there are twice as many who want you to act as their side-dish, dirty little secret, sugar baby or some lurid combination of all three. It’s embarrassing! No one wants to be treated like a freak, not worthy of simple little things most people take for granted in relationships, like meeting one another’s families. Mind you, I’m a very passable and very attractive transsexual woman (so I’ve been told anyway), but it still makes no difference, you can look like Megan Fox and still be treated as though you’re “less than” just because of what you are.
So when I finally met a man who was willing to put all that aside and just focus on me as a person, I jumped on him, but he was gay (despite his assurances that he was bisexual) and also immensely confused about pretty much every facet of his life, so it didn’t work out. After that, I began dating again…which is really just like picking through the garbage, isn’t it? I dated a cage fighter, a naval officer, a cop, all sorts of stereotypically macho guys, all good looking, all nice enough…but all for whatever reason eventually cut off. In the case of the cage fighter, he wanted a f*ck buddy which he could talk to whenever the need arose, in the case of the naval officer…well, he just couldn’t kiss…plus he was an alcoholic and he broke my car’s air conditioner vents by playing with them too much, and in the case of the cop he wanted a penis attached to a pretty woman. Which is what a lot of “admirers” want. It dehumanizes us and reduces us to a single body part. Seriously, if you want to suck on something that bad, buy yourself a lollipop. So, after much searching I gave up. And when I wasn’t looking, someone wrote me out of the blue requesting we meet up for coffee because I seemed cool from what he read on my MySpace profile (I know, I’m old right?!) and after that we met up. He hadn’t known I was trans and as it turned out that’s exactly what he was into. So a friendship formed, which later blossomed into a relationship and here I am four years later still with the same guy. We have our ups and downs like any couple…but above all he sees me as an individual, not a commodity and if you admirers out there reading this ever want to make it with a transsexual of any substance, then that’s really what it all boils down to.