I opened a window back to his world
A world of “I could be’s” and “maybe”
A world of prattling prayers and possibilities
That the “me” in the mirror could not yet see
Maybe I could be a Queen…that steals all the boys’ hearts
Maybe I could be a Queen…that’s completely off the charts
That zigs and zags every which way…just like they do in all the chess games
Maybe I could be a Queen…enthroned and scheming to fill her humdrum days
Maybe I could be a Queen…of riches…all of which, I’d give away
Maybe I could be a Queen…that trades her crown for love
Maybe I could be a Queen…that never bites her tongue
Maybe I could be a Queen…dipped in blood and hard as stone
Maybe I could be a Queen…armor-clad and barbed-wire bad…to the bone
Maybe I could be a Queen, a Queen and not a pawn
Maybe all my rights of manhood could be willed away…long-gone
Maybe I could be a Queen…a lion turned to lamb
Then maybe I remember…I already am.
Well. I have been remiss in keeping up with this blog YET. AGAIN. Go ahead, turn away from the screen. I am without excuse as usual. But srsly, this time I do kind of have a good excuse…or several excuses as the case may be. I’ve been working non-stop (extended hours to cover vacations), getting ready for my exciting return to school in the fall and coming this close to rabbit-kicking my financial aid advisor in the face because YES…SHE REALLY IS THAT FRUSTRATINGLY STUPID, I hit some old lady with my Suzuki (her car, not her person…just for clarity’s sake), and re-connected with my two long-lost cousins all while searching frantically for a new job which will be more flexible and mesh better with my school schedule. Crazy right? I know!
So I haven’t really had much of a chance to write about myself (which is odd, since that’s usually one of my most favorite things to do…I’m just joking ((but I’m not)) ). Anyway, amidst all this commotion, I must tell you my computer, which is quite old, and which can be likened to a senile, old fat person is STROKING OUT something FIERCE!! I can’t STAND it. I have to save up for a new computer…preferably something with a built-in camera or microphone so that I can do vlogs or podcasts or something to mix things up a bit and connect on a somewhat more intimate level with my readers. But what with my hitting-an-old-lady-with-my-sedan-incident, I might have to wait awhile before making such a purchase…so BEAR WITH ME, PUBLIC!!! I must tell you…being involved in a traffic accident (my first, mind you) brought on so many emotions and recollections. I luckily live in a state where I was able to get the gender on my license changed without having had any surgical procedures, but I remember the time before…when I bore the name and picture of a female on that license and had that “M” right beside it like a scarlet letter. Having to be petrified of being pulled over or daring to buy a drink because I might get carded were constant strains on my nerves, ever-present and ever-frightening. I was able to face this incident with a calmness which had eluded me back then, and it was comforting to know I’d jumped over that hurdle, but it also made me angry at how that hurdle was placed before me by DOUCHEBAGS who have nothing to do with my situation and probably have a very limited understanding of said situation. Sometimes I wish we, as transgendered brothers and sisters could just rise up against the “normals” and crush them beneath the raging tide of our combined anger. But then I realize that would probably just make them hate us more and get many of us killed or hurt…plus violence never solves anything (but conflict, ha). Either way! To my brothers and sisters out there facing that license issue, know you aren’t alone…we’ve all been there before. If you’re able to change it, do it FAST. If you’re too scared to go to the DMV and explain your situation (like I was), just swallow hard, ask a friend to come with you and muster up enough MOXIE to do it and get it over with. It really is worth it, don’t procrastinate. I know it sucks that we have to do this at all and lord knows it makes you want to slap a bitch, but sadly, this is the way things are now. Better than they were, but still worse than they could be.
I also wanted to briefly mention in this entry (and I want to do more with this later, so beware), one of my new-found favorite trans-related films. Iron Ladies and its sequel Iron Ladies 2. Wow, what can I say? It was a lovely experience. They’re both older films, and full of enough politically incorrect terms to upset the extreme Western LGBT activists, I’m sure. But honestly, it’s a fluff film and for what it is, it’s wonderful. It basically tells the story of a Thai all-male volleyball team comprised of flamboyantly gay men, cross-dressers, and a transsexual cabaret star. If you get a chance, check it out…I’m glad I did.
Well, dears…I guess it’s time for me to let you all go. But never fear, I’ll be back sooner than you think with a new entry in the fascinating novella (after-school special/infomercial?) that is my life.
Sorry I haven’t had a chance to update in a while, I’ve been super-busy with work and various other mundane activities that are hardly as fulfilling as this blog, so for that I must apologize. Now, where was I?
Oh yes…it was December of such and such year and I was working at a well-known department store as a cosmetics “expert.” Anyway, there was this bulldog of a lesbian (closeted, of course, and therefore quite nasty), who decided she hated me because I didn’t want to associate with her. There were two reasons for me not wanting to associate with her, 1) She was positively the crudest thing on two feet at that mall and 2) she always talked absolute garbage about my best friend at work. “Unacceptable!” I declared and henceforth never spoke to her except for the occasional “Hello.” Now, this pushed her to the limit and I also think the fact that I was by now very free and open about what I was doing (transitioning and all) kind of miffed her too, because she was adamant in her claims of being straight, though really it was quite obvious that she was anything but. My openness bothered her, as it bothers most people who are not open for whatever reason. Our openness is like a bright, shining, neon light that we’re flashing into their dim, dank, dingy closets. So…she hated me. And the feeling was reciprocated. One day, things boiled over when she tried rudely telling me what to do (she’d recently gotten promoted to a customer service rep, but that gave her no authority over me) when we were closing down the store and I told her I wasn’t intimidated by her or the little walkie-talkie she was issued, to which she replied that I walk around like a princess and should choke on my own dick. When she wasn’t promptly fired, I decided any business that retains employees who are capable of such low thinking don’t deserve to have me pushing $30 eyeliners and mascaras for them, so I walked out during my next scheduled shift. They tried in vain to get me back, but I’ve always been a woman of strong principles, and when something leaves a bad taste in my mouth, I refuse to just choke it down like most people.
Here I was, a new year beginning, a new me beginning and no job prospects in sight. In a way, though, looking back it was the best thing that could have happened at the time. Transitioning while on the job is very difficult and to be without the hassle of having to explain your motives to other people every five minutes or deal with constant harassment and strange looks is a blessing. The downside of unemployment though is boredom. And I was bored! So what did I do? I used the internet to fill my boredom. At first it was great, sleeping in, and wasting time, reading, writing, shopping; well, window shopping (as you might expect, since I abandoned my job I wasn’t privy to receiving unemployment benefits). Eventually though, it wasn’t enough. I was lonely since all my friends had jobs or school to keep them occupied and for most of the day I had the company of my cats and dog and that was it. My parents were a great emotional and financial support even giving me money for my hormones which I purchased via website (which is not recommended at all until you’ve seen a doctor and had all your levels checked, but back then I didn’t have that luxury). Still, I longed for fulfillment on a different level and that led me to on-line dating, which is arguably, the best way for transsexual women to meet men and the safest. However, the kind of men are open to interpretation as you’ll see in my next entry…
Ok…last entry (for those of you who didn’t read it, hmph) was about my self-imposed exile from beauty school…I know…heavy. So, to keep things breezy and delightful this entry is going to be light-hearted, useful to some of you (hopefully) and full of pictures! In case you either didn’t read the title or just didn’t get it (really?!) this entry is about the top 5 cosmetics that I simply can NOT live without. These are basically the things that I would use even if I were involved in a high-speed car chase and had to get going post-haste! I’d always find time to use these because they are THAT good. So, let’s get started.
This is my go-to foundation, concealer, primer, panacea, etc., etc. Not only is it a convenient size, it also has that opaque coverage that transwomen sorely need, especially when we’re still in the “shaving our faces” stage. This tiny stick provides coverage that is comparable to that of Dermablend, the foundation used to cover up burns and tattoos at half the price. It’s creamy, goes on smooth, and if and when you do decide to get your face hair lasered or electrolysis-ed off, you can dampen either your fingers or a make-up sponge and create a sheerer coverage. Just a few dots on the cheeks, chin, forehead, eyelids (as a primer before you put your eyeshadow on) and neck and you’re good to go. For even better results, finish with a setting powder or a mineral veil like the one offered by Bare Minerals. Max Factor was discontinued in the US for God-knows-whatever reason and I nearly had an aneurism right then and there…but luckily, the internet magically comes through yet again as the transwoman’s staunchest ally! So, buy some in your shade now, here!
Seriously, eyeliner is like f*ckin crack to me. I recall trying to use number 2 pencils when I was little to achieve the same brightening and defining effect my mom’s eyeliner had on her eyes to disastrous results, obviously. Eyeliner is really amazing in that it can change the shape of your eye, making them smaller, bigger, feline, almond-shaped, whatever you want. I usually line the upper lash line before putting my liquid liner over that, the upper waterline and the lower lash line from the outer corner of the eye to just below where your pupil is. The inner waterline I line with a white or light-gold liner to create a wide-eyed effect. But for beginners, this a very easy-to-wield pencil which goes on smooth and creates beautiful definition. Order here.
I love NYX because their colors are awesome, their prices are even awesomer and they’re just a pretty happening company. Anyway, this lip color is a new addition to my collection of NYX lipsticks, but has quickly become one of my favorites. It’s a neutral shade which means it goes with pretty much any color outfit and pretty much any skintone. Works for everyday looks, but can easily be turned into a nighttime shade with some heavier eye-makeup. Creamy texture with just enough shine to keep things fresh and interesting. Pucker up!
For girls with steady hands and some experience applying make-up, liquid liner can be a godsend. It defines and pops and it’s just beauty in a tube, honestly. You can do so much with it, dramatic looks, slight re-shaping, everything…only unlike eyepencils or kohls, liquid liner will not smudge or dissolve over time (especially if you use a primer beforehand). Make sure to close your eye when applying and allow a few seconds to dry completely before opening your eyes again or blinking. Walk that line girl!
One of the most affordable and effective mascaras I’ve come across. It’s just wonderful, two coats on the upper lashes, two on the lower and you’ll look like a total glamasaurus rex. It’s seriously amazing with or without any liner to back it up, and it’ll make lovely fans out of your lashes. Nothing says feminine like long, lustrous lashes. If you’re in a serious rush, just this, some foundation and lipgloss would be all you really need.
Well…I guess that’s it for now. I hope you all enjoyed my fluffy little list and I encourage you all to try the products I mentioned…just remember with cosmetics a little goes a long way, especially if you’re trying to pass in public. Stay tuned for the next entry…where I discuss my sordid love life. Well, it’s not that sordid.
So anyway, back to my life story. After I listened to my aunt’s husband’s drunken old cousin, I decided to beg my parents to enroll me in a cosmetology school because I thought that’s just what people like me were meant to do. How wrong I was! I was the only male in my class, though no one knew that until the scratchy-voiced, teacher-lady, Miss Martini called my name aloud. My long hair and tight pants made me look like a female to everyone in the room but that just made me seem colorful to the rest of the girls. Honestly, I just wanted to learn a trade and have something to fall back on and had been more or less misled into thinking hairstyling should be that trade but as usual, I was sidetracked by insecurity and fell into the “I must be a character in order to be liked” mental trap, so after realizing I had no hair styling aptitude whatsoever, I basically just absorbed everyone else’s expectations of me as a class clown and became the resident entertainer of the group. I stuck around because it was a place to socialize and make other people laugh with my antics, but hair was not my passion at all. I should have known this as I’d never felt a desire to do anyone’s hair, except my one Barbie doll’s, but even that was just limited to brushing.
One day, one of the older girls from the class above us decided she was going to use me for one of her hair assignments. At that point, my dark hair was halfway-past my back and I loved everything about it. I loved the freedom of finally having long hair after all the years of being forced into wearing my hair short. I loved running my fingers through it and flicking it back like I don’t know, some sort of sexy horse. Either way, I, as usual did what others wanted, not what I wanted and I let her cut my hair off…and like Samson, I felt the power drain from me with each falling lock. To me, that hair represented a semblance of femininity in a body that was still largely male-oriented, to see it fall before me shattered the early beginnings of my true self and caused me to once again assume a persona that others were more comfortable with. I’d been wearing girl clothes…but stopped after my hair was cut because of some of the girls’ comments and “suggestions” about what looked good. Who the fuck cared about what looked good? I wanted to look right! Right for me! But that was something I lacked the strength to express until some time later.
Eventually, I ran into some problems with one of the older ladies who attended the school. She was extremely large, balding, had a thick Brooklyn accent and wore white spandex stirrup-pants. She had been my first friend at the school, but quickly turned very jealous when I became friendly with two sisters who were also in our class and decided to go out to lunch with them instead one day. Anyway, the whole thing quickly snowballed into a very messy ordeal and that, coupled with my utter ineptitude and lack of interest in doing hair, led to me becoming a beauty school dropout. It was also around this time I met my first boyfriend…though that’s a story for later.
And oh there are many! I figured I’d take the time to write a little side-note entry, deviating just a bit from the sequential “story of my life” format I’ve decided to use for this blog. I honestly just started searching for other tg or ts blogs on wordpress and found that many of them, although well-written and informative, sounded either a bit too activist-y or too pedantic. I still think there are great resources out there for activists and people researching trans-issues from a more intellectual point of view, but I want this blog to sound and feel saltier and more approachable…instead of like a prickly activist or an erudite, yet somewhat icy clinician. I think there is an activist within each of us, and I also think there is an educator within each of us…the very act of falling under the transgender umbrella necessitates it at varying times within our lives. When deprived of basic rights, the inner activist comes out…when probed about our journey, the scientist comes out explaining the whole thing in detail with an air of exasperation.
Despite considering how multi-faceted we, as members of this loosely-knit community can be, I can’t help but feel we sometimes try too hard to cling to these archetypes and lose that approachable part of ourselves. Honestly, it pisses me off when someone asks me a question about my genitals because it’s none of their business…I don’t walk up to Sally on the street and say, “Hey Sally…you have a vagina, right? How’s that treating you? Where do you put it?” And yeah I do wish I could calmly and eloquently defeat any argument against trans-issues soundly and fully….but, isn’t it okay to be a little selfish and just enjoy the lives we’ve tried so hard to craft to our own true feelings? Life is a battle…and a lesson, but it’s also an experience. One of the biggest gripes I have is the inaccessibility of most other trans-people because they fall into one of those two modes full-time. Many others are fearful of being exposed or targetted, which is understandable, but the veil of anonymity that the internet provides can be a great comfort and its open forums can be a wonderful coping/venting tool. So if you’re trans and feeling frustrated because you feel like you’re the only transsexual in the greater northeast who isn’t picketing or debating, I encourage you to use the internet to vent and connect with others about whatever. It certainly makes me feel better 🙂
Oh, and one last thing that just popped into my head…is anyone else bothered about how overtly-kinky a lot of trans people tend to be? I mean, sex is great and everything…but I’ve found that many of the other transwomen I’ve encountered in my journey have either not been authentically transsexual and have been transvestites who enjoy dressing up because that’s how they get their kicks or whatever or have been COMPLETELY sex-obsessed…like it’s all they talk about. Sorry, but that’s gross no matter who you identify as. I think a lot of our community members and those who mistakenly believe they are part of the community try to create this highly sexually charged aura which I find completely repelling because they think it makes them more approachable when really it just makes you look skanky. That, along with the aforementioned reasons are why I think it’s so difficult to establish any rapport with many of the other members of our community, and I really wish that weren’t the case This is all just my opinion, of course, but how do we expect to be treated with any class if we don’t display any? Think about it! And that’s a lesson for all you cisgendered hoochies too…you’re just embarassing yourself…so quit it!