Okay guys, so you basically know my whole life story now what with the multiple entries I’ve written about it, and the video project I did called “The Lady-In-Waiting Story,” but now there’s a condensed version for all of you who think I’m too long-winded lol. I wrote it for this really great GLBT-Straight Alliance called Swish, and I’d really love it if you’d read and pass it on to all of your friends.
Here’s the link: http://www.swishpride.org/community/voices/the-carousel.shtml
Well. I have been remiss in keeping up with this blog YET. AGAIN. Go ahead, turn away from the screen. I am without excuse as usual. But srsly, this time I do kind of have a good excuse…or several excuses as the case may be. I’ve been working non-stop (extended hours to cover vacations), getting ready for my exciting return to school in the fall and coming this close to rabbit-kicking my financial aid advisor in the face because YES…SHE REALLY IS THAT FRUSTRATINGLY STUPID, I hit some old lady with my Suzuki (her car, not her person…just for clarity’s sake), and re-connected with my two long-lost cousins all while searching frantically for a new job which will be more flexible and mesh better with my school schedule. Crazy right? I know!
So I haven’t really had much of a chance to write about myself (which is odd, since that’s usually one of my most favorite things to do…I’m just joking ((but I’m not)) ). Anyway, amidst all this commotion, I must tell you my computer, which is quite old, and which can be likened to a senile, old fat person is STROKING OUT something FIERCE!! I can’t STAND it. I have to save up for a new computer…preferably something with a built-in camera or microphone so that I can do vlogs or podcasts or something to mix things up a bit and connect on a somewhat more intimate level with my readers. But what with my hitting-an-old-lady-with-my-sedan-incident, I might have to wait awhile before making such a purchase…so BEAR WITH ME, PUBLIC!!! I must tell you…being involved in a traffic accident (my first, mind you) brought on so many emotions and recollections. I luckily live in a state where I was able to get the gender on my license changed without having had any surgical procedures, but I remember the time before…when I bore the name and picture of a female on that license and had that “M” right beside it like a scarlet letter. Having to be petrified of being pulled over or daring to buy a drink because I might get carded were constant strains on my nerves, ever-present and ever-frightening. I was able to face this incident with a calmness which had eluded me back then, and it was comforting to know I’d jumped over that hurdle, but it also made me angry at how that hurdle was placed before me by DOUCHEBAGS who have nothing to do with my situation and probably have a very limited understanding of said situation. Sometimes I wish we, as transgendered brothers and sisters could just rise up against the “normals” and crush them beneath the raging tide of our combined anger. But then I realize that would probably just make them hate us more and get many of us killed or hurt…plus violence never solves anything (but conflict, ha). Either way! To my brothers and sisters out there facing that license issue, know you aren’t alone…we’ve all been there before. If you’re able to change it, do it FAST. If you’re too scared to go to the DMV and explain your situation (like I was), just swallow hard, ask a friend to come with you and muster up enough MOXIE to do it and get it over with. It really is worth it, don’t procrastinate. I know it sucks that we have to do this at all and lord knows it makes you want to slap a bitch, but sadly, this is the way things are now. Better than they were, but still worse than they could be.
I also wanted to briefly mention in this entry (and I want to do more with this later, so beware), one of my new-found favorite trans-related films. Iron Ladies and its sequel Iron Ladies 2. Wow, what can I say? It was a lovely experience. They’re both older films, and full of enough politically incorrect terms to upset the extreme Western LGBT activists, I’m sure. But honestly, it’s a fluff film and for what it is, it’s wonderful. It basically tells the story of a Thai all-male volleyball team comprised of flamboyantly gay men, cross-dressers, and a transsexual cabaret star. If you get a chance, check it out…I’m glad I did.
Well, dears…I guess it’s time for me to let you all go. But never fear, I’ll be back sooner than you think with a new entry in the fascinating novella (after-school special/infomercial?) that is my life.
Well…here I was, it was December of I-don’t-remember-what-year-but-it-really-wasn’t-that-long-ago-srsly, and I had nothing to show for myself really. I had just turned 18 and I was a high school drop-out, a college drop-out and most recently a beauty-school drop-out. Being trans makes it very hard to commit to things I’ve noticed. I feel like the whole theme of our lives is transformation, and at the base of any transformation is change. A lot of the times what we don’t realize is that when we change, so do the people around us and our environments. What I mean by that is, when you start displaying your femininity, people change the way they act towards you…some are accepting and supportive and some are full of nothing but venom. We as transwomen, however, have a power many cisgender people lack the ability to express…we have the power to say, “No, I don’t want this…now, I’m going to do something to change it.” A lot of people in our society are too frightened to even think of changing their lives in such a drastic way, but not us. Though fear may be there at what lies after the change, courage is the ability to stare fear down and say, “Guess what? You can SUCK IT!!” Anyway, that’s why I think I had so much difficulty maintaining any stable career/education path…how could that aspect of my life be stable when within me, there was a storm brewing? The one unwavering thing I had was my family’s support…and a boyfriend, but he was far from unwavering.
I had met my very first serious boyfriend who we’ll call “K” on the internet which is how most of us in the tg community meet people nowadays. He was a gay guy, kind of not my usual type in that he had lots of piercings, dread locks and smoked pot ’til the cows came home. At that point I was still confused about myself, identifying as gay, but still questioning whether there might be some truth to that whole “transgender” diagnosis my aunt’s social worker friend had sprung on me. Anyway, our relationship was marked by instability and awkwardness. He wanted a man, and at the time I wasn’t sure I was even male, but as I found myself quitting yet another thing in my life I held on to whatever was around and he was, more or less. So I tried to be that man for him…but something about it just felt, off. Intimately things were completely ridiculous and his requests were just too much for me to handle. As a result, neither one of us were satisfied. I think part of the reason why I had my hair (which I loved so much) cut off, was to prove to K that I was a man and I could be there for him the way he wanted. But f*ck it, looking back…my hair treated me a lot better than he ever did and if I had it all to do over again, I’d say to myself, “No, the hair stays, he goes,” and save myself a lot of time and money.
Anyway, he broke up with me in February…yep, the day before Valentine’s Day after my present was bought and wrapped and everything. He told me, over the phone mind you, that I was too “femme,” and that if he wanted to date a “real woman” he would be dating a “real woman.” I felt my heart shatter…but I knew I’d get over it and honestly, I have to thank K for teaching me something about myself. I was a “real woman” and that’s why it wasn’t working between us, I just hadn’t realized the technicalities of it quite yet. A relationship between a gay man and a transsexual woman will not work because a tried-and-true gay man wants to be with another gay man. Gay men, by definition, like other men. We as transwomen were never men, we just have the bodies of men, which we try desperately to escape from. What they view as an arousing form, we view as a death trap, a prison. Right there is where the definite incongruity lies and why gay men don’t date transsexuals. Gay men don’t date women and we are women, honey…gay men prove it.